PayBack is a Bitch!
Being right doesn’t require taking revenge.
Thoughts of revenge are all too human. Many of us have an inherent desire to pay back and get even when we feel that we’ve been treated unfairly. Revenge is the stuff of numerous dramas. Since dramas rarely end well for anyone, this is a first indication of the harmful nature of revenge. Nonetheless, it can be hard to resist. Revenge is known to be sweet. The prospect of satisfaction is simply too tempting. This is understandable, but it isn’t wise. Why? Because revenge backfires.
Whenever we communicate with our customers – in sales or customer service – we like to be right. This can lead to prestige discussions, escalation and non-success. We blame the other person because they were wrong and wouldn’t listen and vice versa. It’s a vicious cycle.
Here are 3 tips on how to transform “being right” into “being convincing” in a professional service and sales context:
- Show that you empathize with the other person’s perspective and opinion: “I understand that price is important to you...”
- Ask for more details on their position: “What are you comparing my/our offer to? I’d like to specifically address that...”
- Use I-messages to describe your stance: “I have included the following services/value/discount in this price/offer.”
People that have been upset will seek revenge. This can be observed at various levels. Children tease back their playmates. Colleagues take revenge for nasty comments made by their peers. Spouses punish misbehavior with rejection and withdrawal of love. The question remains: Why do we feel such a need for revenge?
One common reason for revenge is the sheer anger that grips us. If we feel unfairly or badly treated, our irritation may grow and turn into outright hatred. This results in the desire to pay back and harm the other person.
Revenge can also be triggered by a sense of fairness. It’s hard to ignore injustice, especially when your ego is offended. When we seek retribution, we respect ourselves more and make it clear (to ourselves and others) that we just don’t put up with certain things.
Revenge may also be used as a demonstration of power. People take revenge to show others: I can harm you much more than you’ve harmed me. There is usually a deep emotional grievance behind this reaction.
And finally, revenge is sweet – at least from a neurological point of view. Scientists at the University of Zurich have found that the reward center in the brain is active when we seek revenge.
The downside: revenge is harmful
When we seek revenge, we intend to harm someone. In extreme cases, physically, but mostly psychologically. What we tend to forget: Revenge primarily hurts ourselves, as the following negative effects illustrate:
- Your career will suffer
Reacting to injustice at work with revenge is usually a bad idea. If you are inclined to seek revenge or even sabotage, you will ultimately harm yourself. A study has shown: Retribution undermines your motivation and career. Those who seek revenge will end up being so consumed by their anger that they will (mentally) quit or be dismissed. They tend to perform worse, invest less effort, be late and make more mistakes. Their peers will start to notice these effects, as will their boss. Ultimately, the person’s reputation deteriorates, followed by reprimands and warnings and finally leading to dismissal. Interestingly, men are more prone to revenge than women. - You’ll be worse off in the long run
Revenge is supposed to bring satisfaction and gratification. We want to “show them” and feel good. At first, such an effect does occur, but studies have shown: After only a short time, revenge causes you to feel unhappier than before. Various experiments have proven that subjects who took revenge tended to experience more anger and negative thoughts later.
Thoughts of revenge keep you preoccupied with negative things much longer. They nourish your anger and even make you doubt whether the issue has really been settled. Revenge prevents you from letting the topic go and extends your suffering. - You’ll regret it later
While revenge is generally planned, it is executed in an emotionally charged state. When your pride has been wounded and you’re consumed by anger, you may make decisions that you will regret later. Getting back at an unjust boss may cost you your current job and might even affect your entire career.
Bridges burnt by revenge are rarely rebuilt once the dust has settled. This applies all the more to relationships. If you repay a partner’s misconduct over and over again, you will be destroying more than you intended to. - You’ll start a cycle
You’ve been unfairly treated and have taken revenge. The original “perpetrator” retaliates with another act of retribution... Revenge can start an endless cycle. It takes courage and humility to break it. With every act of revenge, the intensity increases. Each new action must outdo the previous one, inflicting even greater damage. It’s a spiral that quickly spins out of control.
Personal tips: effective alternatives to revenge
We are all familiar with feelings of revenge and the desire to get even. Choose a smarter response and follow the principle suggested by the English statesman and philosopher Francis Bacon:
“In taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy; but in passing it over, he is superior.”
These words may be wise, but they are hard to put into practice. We’d like to give you a few tools that can serve as an effective alternative route to revenge:
- Become immune to attacks
Would you seek revenge if you didn’t even care about the attacks? A stronger sense of placidity and self-confidence will boost your immunity to attacks. If others don’t succeed in upsetting you and shaking your self-image, there will be no reason for revenge. - Openly address the issue
Are you feeling offended and hurt? Don’t plan your revenge. Initiate a conversation, instead. Describe your feelings and allow the other person to explain their perspective. This may sort out the problem immediately – or make you realize that it’s time to turn your back on them. - Ignore provocations
Teasing and provocation can be used intentionally to elicit a response. In other words: Your counterpart wants you to get upset and take revenge. Don’t go along with this game. Avoid feelings of revenge and brush off the attack. Demonstrate that you don’t care about the other person’s hostile attempts. - Find a different outlet
Revenge is a way to vent your anger. You can achieve the same with other tools that have fewer negative effects. Sports is a classic outlet for anger. Work off your frustration. Another possible outlet is having a good laugh about the attack with your spouse or a close friend. - Be successful
You can fully enjoy the sweet feeling of revenge if you get back on your feet after suffering injustice only to find yourself in a better place than before. “The best revenge is massive success,” Frank Sinatra once said. This clearly kills the plan of attack. An initial defeat thus turns into a victory – provided you ensure that the culprit actually realizes how well you are doing now. - Forgive the aggressor
Forgiveness may well be the best form of revenge. It is a way to exhibit true greatness and mental strength. Instead of lowering yourself to the other person’s level, you rise above it. Without actually having to exert a counterattack, you can demonstrate who has emerged stronger from the dispute.
